I recently came across an article that dealt with analyzing the details behind healthy marriage relationships and not so healthy ones, and although I'm pretty sure I won't have to deal with the issue of marriage for a long time, the contents of the analysis were intriguing. Usually I would put the link on the top of the blog post but here I want to emphasize more on my thoughts than on the article itself, so this time I'll just provide the link at the bottom, while giving a brief summary before I go into my thoughts.
The study that they did - or the one that I really thought was interesting to see - was that they observed several couples in a honeymoon (?) situation at a bed-and-breakfast lodging. Specifically what they did was they observed the couples' interactions with each other, in short if they were engaged with each other in conversation or not. For example, one of the two members might comment on something that seems trivial or insignificant - the example they gave was a husband mentioning a species of bird seen flying by the window. What researchers found was that how the spouse reacted to this seemingly trivial comment was heavily correlated to whether the relationship ended up healthy or not - those who engaged in conversation with their partners, however silly the topic was, had a much higher chance of maintaining their relationship status than those who ignored the comment or replied harshly to it.
In a way this seems like an obvious result, but I particularly thought it was interesting because it was so obvious - obvious not only in marriage relationships but in almost all forms of daily life conversations, both in real life and online. The interactions between the individual and his/her friends and family is highly representative of their thoughts for each other. Online conversations in general are an interesting medium to look at for various reasons - logs of the conversation are displayed on the screen for all participants, and off screen and beyond the chat there is no indication whatsoever at what they are doing... unless it is indicated in the chat.
Basically I want to extend what was already stated in the article in that,
ignoring or curtly/rudely responding to a comment without thought, regardless of how trivial it is, can damage relationships - this blanket statement of course missing some legitimate exceptions. Being in an online environment, people may be legitimately busy or away, or maybe even just not being in the right mood. However, excuses often attempt to exploit such situations where people lie in conversations as if to think by doing so everything will be fine, or simply putting it on a lower priority list, therefore doing other things of higher priority makes them too "busy" to respond. The former is a common misconception that people won't see through the lie - at least in my experience, the lie is generally very obvious and results in a lot of toxicity. The latter is a blatant indicator that the relationship is being damaged, as one person has a higher value in their relationship than the other and is being hurt because of it.
I need to mention that I am undoubtedly guilty for some of these actions. In a way I needed to be in order to understand the full circle of how it works - how an offlayish comment or slight can seem innocent to one but destructive to the other. How people respond is also drastically different. Some can shrug it off easily and do other things, others have the unfortunate mentality of being tormented over being ignored. I can hitherto (at least in this paragraph) only describe my own thoughts and opinions on it.
It seems that there is a sense of fear that develops after being ignored. Initially there may be some anxiety of talking to a stranger and being ignored, but at least in my case, if it were to happen, this would not fall out of the bounds of expectations. Established friendships, however, are incredibly more emotionally linked. A built of friendship means that there is some kind of trust between friends and so - if one were to ignore or slight a comment - the damage is heavy the first time around. The second time, the friend who was ignored is now much more afraid and much more reluctant to talk to his/her former friend - meanwhile the one that makes the slight notices not much difference at all. Ultimately in a worst case scenario the two friends stop talking to each other, cutting off the relationship.
It does seem like, however, that
if the person who ignored his/her friend started another conversation with the same friend, the damage is mitigated. This is because starting a conversation with a person is automatically an indicator that they have at least some form of lingering respect for each other. Doing so seems to salvage the relationship much more quickly to a state where the two friends can understand each other again.
On the other hand,
if the person who ignored his/her friend starts talking to someone else, the situations is exacerbated. This gives the most clear confirmation that one has priority over another, and will make the friend making the comment feel utterly miserable. There are really no exceptions that I can think of for this.
What's the best way for dealing with such situations? This I'm not sure of, as even I have trouble dealing with it at times as well. I found that re-starting conversations with people I have did that to seems one of the most effective, and as such I had highlighted the action earlier. Otherwise, replying in some fashion - and honestly - is probably the best way to prevent a relationship from getting worse. People generally understand if they are not in the right mood (I think) so mentioning that they aren't in a good mood to talk right now is overall a better excuse than making up a lie or saying that one is busy (ie prioritizing other things). Besides that... I'm not sure. Emotions are a complicated thing and tend to be what pre-occupies my mind a lot simply because of how illogical they are (thinking of them in an objective sense that is, not that I'm raging or emoing all the time... I think...)
Hmm. There was really not much I wanted to get across, maybe just express some of my thoughts that came to mind after reading that article. In honesty I wish that some of the people I knew would read this, but I'm sure they don't read my blog (or not anymore). Damaged relationships can be hard to mend - as I mentioned, the person that is hurt doesn't want to try anymore and get hurt again, thus resulting in the breakdown of the friendship. Additionally I can't say its all their fault and not mine - my interactions do not always end up being the nicest and I am ashamed of that. But such is life and to live is to move on. Form new relationships, engage in happier activities that can help mitigate the past pains. Learn from from the past, consider how it could have been better, and apply it to the newer relationships. That, possibly, can be the key to a happier future life.
Link: http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11
