V=IR

(Slightly emo, people that actually read this, please disregard.)

Just a few moments ago one of the new members of my lab posed a simple question to me regarding the Hudson-Huxley equation which soon proved to be a devastating blow to my pride and confidence. Even though I had a vague idea of what the HH equation was all about (and pretty much told much of what I knew about it), she wanted a much simpler answer, one that established HOW Hudson and Huxley came up with the equation and essentially the basis of neuroscience which stood behind it. After struggling for a good amount of time another lab member revealed the answer to me: "V=IR".

Although the question posed was simple and seemingly trivial, it felt almost as bad (possibly worse) than getting a low test grade. Even if I got a low test grade, I can somewhat redeem myself by scoring better later in the course; I cannot redeem myself for this. It exemplified the difference between "knowing" and more properly "UNDERSTANDING" the material, a difference between an average person and a genius. The fact that I could not figure out what she talked about even with all the hints she provided proves, in my mind, that I am a much bigger idiot than I thought I was. And I'm sure she thinks so now too. This however is more trivial.

Although perhaps I am concerned of her perception of me. I don't want her to regard me as a genius but the fact that I couldn't figure out her simple question now makes me think that she regards me as possessing less potential intelligence than what she thought of before. In reality this should be of no concern, though of course it is human nature to want to have a good image of their self to others.

The aspect of having nothing that I can do about it is perhaps what's most devastating to me. I cannot redeem myself in any way from this small err I made. I am not only a biologist in a neuroscience lab but a biomedical engineer, who has been taught to remember "V=IR" ever since BME 101, where the teacher said, "if you drop BME and never want to take another engineering course again, you should at least remember V=IR". I felt that, though I am graduating this semester, I have failed. I have failed to grasp 4 years of engineering studies, thinking it is more like a fun game with interesting math problems than an aspect of innovation that can be applied to reality and promote a better state of living. In truth I had somewhat of an idea that I'm not quite applying engineering courses as much as I should be, since I could never really see the big picture: I only saw the math problems behind them, and solved them. I never thought "this is the problem I encounter when I make something like this". I only saw "there is a math problem. Let me solve it."

Not only that, I have failed in the biology aspect of the world as well. I have delved too deeply into understanding so much of the specifics that I forgotten that we need to look at the overall picture. One of my undergraduate labmates made a collage (he's part art major) based on such an idea that everyone looks so much about the small details that when they suddenly realize they should step back and see what they've done... it's a mess. It's like that. I look into my brain searching for answers and there's a bunch of answers, but they're all junk. They're all obscuring the true answer, the simple equation that established many different aspects of reality in many different fields.

There was no use sulking about this for a long period of time and this is partly why I wrote this up. While I'm not particularly happy this blog somewhat public, its a good enough place to write about it. I don't know what else I can do about what happened... I want to talk to the person who posed the question to me again but due to my poor conversation skills I wouldn't know what to say.

But maybe, I can try. In all cases even in a defeat like that I'll still have to get back up and do better. I already acknowledge I'm not some sort of genius. I'm not as smart as I appear to be. But I want to try, and that's mostly what my motivation for going through school and education is all about. This failure is devastating to me, yet essential and necessary for me to understand, since failure is the only way I truly learn. I hope to do better from now on, and never forget the simple things again. Such as V=IR.